Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
