Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
