Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
