I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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