I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
