my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic