The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts