Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
