So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
