you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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