I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
