We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I will pee on everything he values.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
