He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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