I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
