you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
