Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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