Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
