You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
