i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
