I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
