I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
