I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
