Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
