Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
