my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
