I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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