I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
