i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
