I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
