You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
