So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
