I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How does one acquire holy water?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
