Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
