i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
