Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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