i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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