eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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