Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
