The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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