I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
