the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
