i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
