Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
