she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
