i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
