You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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