i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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