I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My ass is underappreciated
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.