I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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