If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize