Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
