It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
