My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
